One of the most sacred acts we can do for a person is to hold space for them as they move through the healing process. As it turns out, so too may it also be one of the more difficult.
One of the most frequent questions I get in private consultations is: how do I help my loved one as they live through a shadow phase? How do I stay strong as all of this is going on? How do I not let it get me down?
In this article, I am going to talk a little bit about what holding space for loved ones during shadow phases can mean. I highlight what you are able to do to stay strong, self-connected and grounded as you move through this with them through it whilst also avoiding carers burnout.
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Shadow work is a part of soul growth
Shadow gets a bad name. Though some people perceive shadow to be an evil entity or someone who intentionally hurts others (and sometimes it is) – the truth is, shadow is often a part of ourselves that got hurt and forgotten. This is the part that got rejected in grade 3 you keep having flashbacks of. This is the part that got left behind when everyone else got to do that fun thing. This is the person that did not have parents that were kind. This is the part of you who trusted someone who did something bad. As a person grows, these moments can wind up manifesting in negative behaviour patterns or lingering feelings that bear a major role in how you perceive reality.
Shadow work, simply defined, is looking at the parts of your life where this hurt (or hurting) energy may be at play and sifting through it. Though at times unpleasant, taking a look at the shadow is a key part of the soul work, soul growth process.
This is a part of the soul awakening, soul growth and self healing process.
Every time we integrate, retrieve, or awaken a part of ourself that was shut off or harmed during something that happened during our lifetime, we go also must go through the energetic residue associated with that trauma. Sometimes that means feeling the pain of the past and reconciling it. We engage with how we truly felt, examine the legacy these traumatic moments had on the life path, and make peace with the past. This allows soul wounds to repair and perception to begin shifting.
As part of the ‘what’s next’ pathway of behavioral modification and soul healing, we also must have personal experiences that form the new pathway of what that ‘higher harmonic’, ‘high vibe’ or ‘better’ experience of life that we are seeking.
In other words, we heal the shadow by having the strength to give ourselves the experiences that we did not have or honestly grieve with ourselves through what happened.
On Holding Space for Loved Ones as they Move through Shadow Phase
Parents, friends, spouses, children. These are people we experience the ups and down with. These are the relationships that make (and can at times, break us). When it comes to the healing shadow process, we wind up being the people who show the ones we love that life is safe, that better is possible.
If you made it to this article, chances are you are in the process of holding space for a loved one.
One of the great things about being in relationships, friendships, and support circles is that we get to provide support. As we do it – we often have to deal with some challenging experiences ourselves. Why? Because people often act out their shadow behaviors (like insecurities, fear, self-sabatoge, anger) as they are in the transcendence phase. We have to be strong enough to love them through it and not let it hurt us as they act things out that we had nothing to do with (but are here to help them through).
- For example: your partner had a poor experience in a past romantic relationship. They bring the residue of this into your relationship. Sometimes they ‘overreact’ or ‘react’ to you based on that pattern. This causes fights and misunderstandings.
- In this scenario, holding space can sometimes mean bearing the brunt of something that you did not do (or would not do), being patient with your partner and helping to create the loving and trust-based experience that they require as part of their healing.
- It means being able to see the big picture enough to know why they are doing what they are doing, to know that there is a path out, and to feel confident that they are able to walk it.
- You, in this case, are there to help act out the ‘healed’ response
It can also mean that we are here to help them process and find peace with things that once happened to them.
- Example 2: Your partner or friend had a tough childhood. They are going through a part of their life where they remember a lot of what happened to them. This is bringing up a lot of memories. They are feeling down and not themselves as they process the memories.
- In this scenario, holding space for shadow means being able to bear witness to their past and whatever range of emotions comes up as they reconcile with it. It may mean going to a location, listening to sad stories, or hearing things that are hard on the heart.
- You, in this case, are providing that safe and loving ear that they likely did not have at that time. You are also helping them to process their life experiences so that they may release them and move forward.
In harder scenarios, it may mean that you are dealing with a person who is acting negatively or dangerously.
- Example 3: Your partner or loved one has a problem expressing difficult emotions. When they want to talk about something, it can explode as rage problem.
- In this scenario, space holding puts you somewhere very uncomfortable. Even though you know this stems from childhood trauma, it is damaging to be exposed to rage.
- In cases like this, space holding can be setting boundaries. If you are in a place where you are experiencing the lash out that can come from deep pain that has been left to simmer, sometimes, the best reaction is to peacefully shut it down. Knowing how to protect yourself and having high standards for how you are treated helps a person to see a better or different way of doing things. Showing that alternate path is part of shadow healing.
- It is very important that you protect your safety and when possible, speak about the pattern in a calm, de-escalated environment.
There are as many possibilities for the types of shadow work one could be moving through as there are people. Each soul wound or traumatic experience requires is its own story. In general, once you begin engaging your inner core – you find the answers. I teach you how to do this in ‘Soul Compass: Pathways to Conscious Self-Connection
One of the most important things to remember when holding space for a loved one, and this also extends to this even professionally in the healthcare professions, is that YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
Self-Care Tips for Space Holders
As a psychopomp, my life has often been about being with people as they walk through this fire. Said honestly – holding space for people can get draining. Here are some of my top tips for how to take care of yourself while you are holding space so that you stay strong and are able to play out that strong, grounded, loving reality with resilience and grace.
- Boundaries: Remember that you are not the reason the person has their soul wounds or shadow behaviors. It is a fine line between helping someone by providing that positive, safe space and being steamrolled by their issues. You (and they) have to know what type of behaviour you will tolerate.
- Energy hygiene: Holding space means you are right in there experiencing the tough energy residuals with the person. Doing auric field repair, energy alignment, repairing from any wounds or hardship you endure holding that space is important. Not doing this is a hidden cause of carers burnout. If you do not know how to do this and want to learn – I actively teach it in private session and online coursework.
- Don’t hurt yourself to help them heal: Building on boundaries – it is important that you know your weak spots, your limits, and how to protect yourself. Know how to end a conversation with tact. Be sure to express your own needs and to know clearly what they are. If things become dangerous for you, know that you can stop. Though it can be hard to walk away from a loved one – there are times where their shadow is too strong, is wearing on too long, or is causing you harm.
- Have fun and be well: Depending on how close to home or how deep the shadow is – holding space for someone can be time consuming. Though it can be tempting to become codependent and be constantly available – doing this for too long (or too many people) can really wear you down. It is important to ground yourself by doing activities that are fun or rewarding for you. You are able to be strong for others when your cup is full. Those few hours away from a brooding loved one can work wonders.
Wrap Up: Staying Strong for the Long Haul
The true joy of witnessing someone transcend their wounds and become that healed version of themselves is so rewarding. Having said that, the process to getting there can be a long road with many hills and valleys. Being with a person (or many people) through all of that can take its toll.
I just wanted to remind you that:
You – deserve – to – have – experiences – that – revolve – around – and – benefit- you – without- the – weight- that – comes – with – being – space holder.
Remember to plan adventures for yourself. Remember to heal after you endure the walk with another person. Remember that you deserve love. Remember not to help others so much you forget about you. If you hold a lot of space for people, remember that EARTH is here to help you manage the residual energy that you incur while you are doing it.
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With love,
Katie
Katie is a soul guide (in the psychopomp tradition). For the past ten years, she has been guiding people through soul connection, integration, and how to work with spiritual tools to lead an empowered life. Check out her library of vide
Request a 60 minute Private Session (usd $175) by contacting me at katieindicrow@gmail.com
Interested in learning more soul healing and core energy alignment techniques? Study: “Soul Compass Pathways to Conscious Self-Connection” online course (as mentioned in text)
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